I still cry a little bit every day over losing our precious little one. Obviously I’m still heartbroken about it and it doesn’t help that I am still feeling the physical effects of the miscarriage. Tuesday was 2 weeks to the day I found out what had/was/would be happening and let’s just say it was not a good day. Like any excited mama-to-be I had marked off my weeks on the calendar and the fact that there are 29 weeks marked on it that I have yet to stare at and mourn really just suck.
(I know – get a new calendar, right?)
Finding healing after a miscarriage is hard. Although I know that nothing I did contributed to it, I think playing the “blame game” is probably a common occurance for women who have lost a child. I was told the reason for my type of miscarriage is usually attributed to the baby having something like Trisomy 16 or 22. I actually think knowing that helps a little bit, in some strange way.
I am definitely not over this, but having a strong support system has helped in so many ways. My husband is a ROCK. There is no other word to describe how amazing he has been these past few weeks. He’s grieving, too – but he is solid and strong and taken care of everything for us. My mom and my sister are only a phone call away (which is too far!) and friends have been checking in on me. I find myself sharing my experience with strangers and they have brought me so much comfort. Knowing I am not alone is sad – for those who have also suffered – but it brings me relief. I know many have been praying for us, and it’s obvious that has also had a powerful effect (other wise I would be in my bed, sucking my thumb and existing solely on Cinnamon Toast Crunch and chocolate-filled croissants).
So yes, I’m still sad, and especially when I see a woman resting her hand on her sweet belly, or my eyes stray to the tiny newborn cloth diapers I had already purchased (I put them away today, finally), but then I look at my four happy, healthy children, who fill my heart with so much love and light and I know that I am healing.