On Tuesday, which would have marked my 13th week of pregnancy, I had another ultrasound, which did not turn out well, and I had to have some bloodwork done. I was a complete wreck after my appointment and Mom changed her flight (she was supposed to leave that night) to stay until this Monday in case we needed her help. It’s a good thing she stayed, because I got my lab results back on Wednesday and found out they wanted me to have a D&C the following day because I was diagnosed as having an “incomplete” or “abnormal” miscarriage. Like, it’s bad enough losing a baby, which included bleeding for four weeks anyway and being in the ER and all of that and then finding out your body can’t even handle it and finish the job… that totally sucked. It shouldn’t really have surprised me, since my lady parts have almost always had some sort of “abnormal” diagnosis, but I was so hoping to come through this naturally and without having to have some invasive procedure.
Thankfully, the doctor that the midwives work with, Dr. Whitaker, is amazing and I absolutely felt comfortable with him. I had a consult with him yesterday morning and then he scheduled me for surgery in the afternoon. Seriously, the guy was so kind and really put both Brian and I at ease about the whole thing. He was very encouraging and took great care of me. I really have to say the level of care I have gotten through this whole ordeal has just been wonderful – from the nurses and midwives at the BC, to the nurses and doctors at Candler.
Coming home from the hospital, still a little groggy from the anesthetic and shifting uncomfortably in my seat, I felt different already. Still sad, still hormonal, but I could tell things were already changing in my body. It was hard to grieve and move past all of this when I was still in it – my brother in law and I talked about that a few days ago. I couldn’t get past it emotionally because I was still in the process of actually miscarrying. My doctor reiterated that yesterday — that I absolutely could not move on until I was finished — until I knew I was at The End.
Now I know I’m at The End. I am still heartbroken, and always will be — but I know I will heal, and am thankful that it’s nearly over. Being physically and emotionally fragile at the same time is so hard — it was for me, for my husband and for my children and we can now move on together as a family.
I’ve said it before, but I’ll say it again — we are all so grateful to all of you who have prayed for us, or called, or sent cards or texts or emails. I’ve been sad and hurt by people that I felt should have been along this journey with us, supporting us, but have not done so, but I’ve also been uplifted and comforted by people I never realized would care so much. Losing this baby has been the worst experience of my life, but it has also brought me into contact with some pretty amazing people and I am thankful for that.