Emotional Update

Obviously I haven’t really been keeping up with my blog.  I had hoped that it would be a great outlet for me during my loss-of-baby-mourning stages.  But how many creative ways are there to say “I’m still sad” or “I’m still crying”?  Not too many, I’m sure.  And this blog, which had once been a little bright spot in my day, in my week, quickly turned dim, as all I could do when I sat to write was either weep silently or scream my head off.

Today as I glanced at the calendar towards the week ahead, I saw “28″ written on tomorrow’s date.  28 weeks.  If I hadn’t lost the baby, I’d be 28 weeks along, coming into the home stretch, welcoming that third trimester with excitement.  I’d be in high prep-mode: writing a birth plan, getting in contact with my doula, washing those itty-bitty newborn cloth diapers I bought when I first found out I was pregnant, taking lots of baths, devouring books on natural birth/birthing choices (Ina May’s Guide to Childbirth, Ina May Gaskin; The Thinking Woman’s Guide to Childbirth, Henci Goer; Pushed: the Painful Truth about Childbirth and Modern Maternity Care, Jennifer Block, just to name a few!), and prepping myself emotionally, pyschologically and spiritually to give my child the most gentle and meaningful birth I possibly could.  It’s so hard to believe that so much time has passed when I still feel like it was yesterday when we found out there was something wrong.  I do know that one reason why it’s still so painful is because that baby was supposed to be our last — number five — the last little one to complete our family and now the little void can no longer be filled by that child.

Some of us have been able to move on more than others — my oldest daughter and son don’t talk about it much anymore, but when my 3 year old daughter plays with her dolls, the Mama always loses a baby.  My husband sees the pain in my eyes when someone else we know shares their  news of a pregnancy (Yes, it’s exciting for you! But sad for all of those who have lost babies!  I wish I had been more aware of this when announcing my own previous pregnancies.)  – he sees the pain when we’re at the grocery store and there’s a mama rubbing her swollen belly.  I know our news didn’t effect a lot of people, mainly our families.  There were a lot of people we hoped would be there for us that simply weren’t, for reasons we may never know — it’s past now and the last thing I want to hear now is “Sorry I didn’t let you know then…” or ”I didn’t know what to say then…” – but there were also a lot of people who did carry us through.  God blessed us in the smiles of strangers, whose best wishes to us gave the most strength.

I think as I move forward in my emotional recovery, one of the best things I can remember is that the Lord gives and the Lord also takes away…blessed be the name of the Lord.  I do keep thinking of that a lot and it has helped tremendously.  The Lord deserves as much praise now in this time as He did when I first realized I was pregnant…the loss of my child doesn’t diminish the fact that He is good.  He is as much in the sadness when pregnancy ends as He is in the joy when it begins and I truly do believe that.

I don’t know what’s in store for us in the future.  Another baby?  I don’t know.  Maybe.  It’s hard to even think about that because in my mind I still should be pregnant, y’know?  I would love to say I know that God will again bless us – with that fifth baby — but I don’t know.  I’m trying to be okay with that, but mostly I just want to fully heal…to get past that little ache in my heart and the desire to punch the face of every pregnant woman I see.

…obviously I’m doing better if I can crack a joke like that! :o)

Also, I’m going to try to promise that this is my last post on the subject…at least for now.

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My world

I’m in the process of going through photos from the last 4 years to make albums for each of the kids.  I always thought I would scrapbook, and I’m reminded about once a year, “Oh yeah… wasn’t I gonna do albums for the kids?”  I’m bad like that.  So I’m making albums online for them instead, and even though I have a ton of photos to go through, at least I don’t have to cut them and buy all kinds of crafty do-das in order to make an album.  Anyway, going through all of these pictures makes me extremely emotional — pictures from the Big  Adoption Day, pictures from my daughter’s first (and only) ballet recital, birthdays, birth photos — all evidence that my children are growing taller, stronger, happier.  On one hand it makes me sad to see them growing out of their baby stages, knowing their hands won’t always be reaching for mine; that they won’t always need me to tie shoes and zip jackets.  But I’m happy, too – they are growing so wise, so funny.  They tie their shoes and make big decisions and leap over puddles; they tell stories and make capes out of blankets.  They ride bikes and build forts and rake leaves.  Their eyes sparkle when they make up songs and chase each other around and swing as high as they can go. They are everything that is good in childhood -  no – in life.

They are going to change the world someday — they’ve already changed mine.

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Follow-up “The Business of Being Born”

As a follow-up post to Sunday’s “The Business of Being Born,” I just want to mention a few other things:

1) The synthetic pitocin that you would get in a hospital to induce labor, while it acts like the natural oxytocin to induce labor, it doesn’t bring on the same emotional/attachment feelings that oxytocin does.  That being the case, it’s easy to see why some women report lack of attachment to their babies after a c-section – they’re given an epidural, cut open, baby’s pulled out and swaddled and mom gets to see baby after she’s in recovery.

2) Even if you’re considered high-risk, there’s no reason you can’t have a midwife with you in a hospital setting.  When picking out a midwife, make sure you check which hospitals she’ll go to for insurance purposes.  You can have your regular OB back her up in case you do need emergency surgery, etc.  This would be a fantastic time to consider having a doula* with you, especially if you’re considered high-risk, that way you can be sure you have all of the support you need during your labor/birth.  If we were to have another baby, I will definitely have a doula!  A girl can’t have enough support.

3)My opinions on this stuff are exactly that — my opinions.  Nothing I say is meant to anger anyone in the types of births they choose to have.  I just want to put it out there that there are other choices for women than most people realize.  I absolutely love my OB that delivered my first baby, but I don’t love the way she handled my labor and birth.  I was really counting on her to help me and I felt robbed of a birth that could have been so much more than what it was.  She had been my doctor for ten years and we’d been through a lot together – treatment for PCOS/dysplaysia/endometriosis; my diagnosis of HPV (pre-cancer of the cervix) and the resulting surgery that scarred me physically and emotionally; fertility treatments, etc, so I love her and have a lot of respect for her but my daughter’s birth could have definitely gone better.  I’m not an expert on any of this stuff, but I’ve done my research and there are so many possibilities out there for women these days, and unfortunately, not too many people seem to know about them.

*A doula is someone who supports and assists a woman physically and emotionally, during pregnancy, labor, birth and beyond.

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“The Business of Being Born”

I’d heard about this book/video for a while, but finally got the time to sit down and watch the video via instant Netflix yesterday.  Can I just say…

… wow.

My world has changed upside down and inside out after seeing this video.  My third child/first birth was born in a hospital with an induction and epidural — my fourth child/second birth was a water birth, attended by a midwife in a birthing center, so I thought I had done my homework and knew it all.  Clearly I didn’t.

I knew about the high rate of c-sections (1 in every 3 births), I knew the US has the second highest rate of mother/infant mortality in the world, I knew that obstetricians are trained surgeons and rarely get to experience a natural birth in a healthy woman and so therefore has no idea what to do with a natural birth in a healthy woman and how ridiculous it is to expect a woman to give birth on her back when that is clearly working against gravity.  But I had no idea about the women in the 20′s, 30′s, 40′s who were blindfolded and straight-jacketed and drugged and strapped to tables to give birth.  I had no idea how many woman are literally bullied into having drugs and c-sections by their obstetricians.

This whole thing with oxytocin — which is the hormone the body starts producing to induce labor, that flows through your body as you are giving birth to your own flesh and blood — is the same hormone that is produced while having sex.  Some people call it the “love hormone” — this is the same hormone that is at the very core of you being attached so wholly and emotionally to your baby.  The same hormone, people — in one way it is literally in the conception of your child and the other in the birthing and attachment of your child.  What a beautiful thing!   Why have we gotten to this place of being so fearful of pregnancy and giving birth and letting other people take control of what our bodies are so very capable of doing on its own?  If the love making we do is tender and wonderful, why can’t the birthing of our children be?  Why do we let ourselves be dragged into the mindset that we don’t know what our bodies are doing?  Our babies will come when they are good and ready to come, and we ought not charge into labor and birth with the idea that we are to lie back on a table and let a doctor push medication through our bodies and tell us we need c-sections because we aren’t “progressing” quickly enough.  Doctors want to get you in and out and they will do whatever they can to help that along, whether it’s telling you there’s a need for more drugs or unnecessary surgery.  They’d like to be home for dinner, thank you very much!  Here’s how it often goes:

Woman: Oh I’m so tired of being pregnant!
Doctor: Well you’re 37 weeks, no reason the baby shouldn’t be ready to come now.

Woman: Oh that’d be so wonderful!  I just can’t wait to see him/her!

Fast forward – woman gets her pitocin, which puts her into labor a lot harder than it would come naturally.

Woman: The pain! I need an epidural!

So the woman gets an epidural, which slows down her labor, so she needs more pitocin and at this point she’s been in labor too long, so she may or may not get another epidural.

Doctor comes in: Well this is taking way too long and the baby is showing signs of distress (well you are trying to make the poor thing come out before he’s ready; I’d be distressed too!) so in my opinion we should go ahead with a c-section to make sure everything’s okay.

Woman: Whatever you say, Dr, I just want the baby to be okay.

Unfortunately, this is what happens A LOT.  Women are truly relying on their doctors to give them and their babies the best care, and they are just not getting it.  It’s a sad situation to see so many woman who are so fearful of the process of giving birth that they solely rely on the doctor’s opinion instead of keeping an open mind and realizing what they really can do.  It doesn’t have to be lying in a hospital bed, with IVs in and 85 different people coming in to look at your private parts and shoving their hand up your insides.

Laboring and birthing your child is, and should be, a wonderful, emotional experience for you.  Know what your options are.  Do your research! Obviously if you are getting prenatal care, you know whether you’re considered high risk or low risk.  In my opinion the women who are high risk should definitely stick with their obstetrician in case of an emergency, like preterm labor, etc.  But for those of you that are low risk, why not have a water birth?  Why not have a home birth?  Seek out the comfort and experience of a midwife who will simply guide you through your birth, all the while being supportive and with only you and your baby’s best interest at heart.  Like I mentioned before, I’ve had the sterile hospital birth with the IVs and being flat on my back, but I’ve also had the other kind — the kind where you walk or squat or laugh through your labor, where your midwife lets you do what she knows your body is capable of doing.  My labor with my second daughter was hard right from the moment I started pumping to keep my contractions going.  I yelled a lot, but in between the yelling I did a lot of resting/passing out between contractions.  Once I was at 10 cm, I pushed 2 or 3 times and my girl was out and she was on my chest and this time the crying I did was from relief of that pain being gone and the joy of seeing her (of finally knowing her gender!).  While I still felt like I didn’t have the absolute “perfect birth,” I was happy with how it went because it was safe, it was natural and I know and felt what and how I did things were the best for my baby.  Isn’t what we all want?  To come out of a birth happy and content in knowing we did right by our children?

Definitely more on this topic later.  This is my passion folks – can’t we bring back this sense of feminism – that we know what our bodies are capable of and we’re not afraid of it?  Labor is supposed to be hard, but it doesn’t have to be frightening!  Bring it on!

Edited to add: I will definitely be writing follow-up posts to this!  In the meantime if you have any questions, feel free to post them in the comments or email me.

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