She is Him — She is Me — She is Herself

My daughter — there are so many words that could be used to describe her.  She is smart and oh-so-funny and makes a killer burrito (no joke).  She is kind-hearted and thoughtful.  She is all the best parts of her father and myself combined, but she is so fully just her.  She is coming into her own so beautifully and it is such a privilege to be her Mama; to be able to see her learn and grow every single moment of the day.

I’ve had some extra time this week to just sit and be, to think about what being a Mama really means — and noticing all of the little things in my children that make them so wonderfully them.  They are all amazing small people and sometimes I catch my breath to know that God has entrusted them to us to love, guide & protect.  If that doesn’t make a parent feel inadequate, I’m not sure what will.  I pray daily for guidance – for the Lord to show me what it means to really love my children & to give me the courage to do so.

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The People That Get Me Through The Day

I had a big post planned.  That got canceled.  Instead I’ll share some photos of my kids that my brother-in-law took over the weekend.

I’m holding these precious kids extra-close to me these days.  They definitely aren’t perfect — but they are amazing, smart, beautiful, fun people that make me laugh, cry and remind me every moment of every day what it means to love unconditionally.

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Grrr.

I love my kids.  I love them more than anything else in this world.  Sometimes that means they get angry with me because I tell them “no” for their own good.  Sometimes it means loungey Saturdays in our pajamas, reading or watching cartoons.  And sometimes that means I get really pissed off at people who really believe they know what’s best for us, or for all people with children, simply because maybe they babysat once or twice.  Or maybe they read a book about parenting.  Or, oh my gosh, maybe they heard something one time about bed-sharing or cloth diapering or breastfeeding that they thought was disturbing.  Yeah.  I have absolutely no patience for people who really honestly believe that they know what’s best for my family.  I believe whole-heartedly in the way my husband & I have chosen to raise our children.   We are strong attachment parenting advocates – we fully believe that we are both responsible for our children’s emotional and physical well-beings – that children should have a voice, that things simply are just not “so” because they have gone on for generations in our families.  We bed-share because we strongly believe that babies can and do suffer emotionally because they are forced to cry themselves to sleep and that it drastically reduces the risk of SIDS.  We are against circumcision – no baby, boy or girl, should be cut upon for cosmetic reasons, EVER.  While I believe in extended breastfeeding, because of all the good it does both mother and child, I’ve never done it, simply because both of my girls ended up fully weaning themselves at 15 and 11 months.   I wore both of my babies as much as possible, and wouldn’t you know it – they are secure, happy girls who are outgoing and independent, and they are because they never had to feel alone, abandoned or insecure.  (Please do not tell me babies can not feel those things… because… that is just incredibly stupid.  I have two other children at the other end of the spectrum that are my proof.)   There are hundreds, if not thousands, of studies on all of these things, that prove what we’re doing is the right thing.  I understand that some people do not agree.  But I would hope that instead of blindly following what they thought they always knew, that they would crack open a real book (I ain’t talkin’ an Ezzo book, folks), or talk to real people about their experiences.  Or hey, maybe try prying that stick out of their eye for half a second.

You can obviously tell that I get really frustrated with these types of people.  I still can’t shake off the defensiveness that overcomes me.   I guess I should say it’s half-defensiveness, half-fury, because it’s not just me that these people are offending, making fun of, tearing down.  It’s my husband and my children, and every other person I know who works so hard doing the right things for their families.  It’s not a joke.  Raising children isn’t just telling them “no,” dressing them, giving them snacks and taking them to the park.  We’re talking about the physical, emotional, spiritual protection of our children.  It’s so much more than what some people think.

 

Edit:  A great resource for people interested in AP, intactivism, extended breastfeeding, bed-sharing, etc is DrMomma.org

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My Teacher of Bugs

My son, who’s 6 years old, is really into bugs.  When I say “into” bugs, I mean he crawls around on the ground after ants.  He pokes sticks into dark places, hoping some interesting new bug will jump out at him.  He chases gnats, follows roaches and scoops up worms.  He refers to himself as the “Teacher of Bugs.”  If one of us finds a spider in the house, we say, “Teacher of Bugs — there’s a spider in the bedroom!” and he comes charging in, with his head light strapped on, ready to examine the find.  At this point we’re not really sure if he means he will be a teacher of bugs, as in be a professor of entomology, or if he means he’s going to teach the bugs a lesson.  Either way, it’s a hoot to watch him run around after insects.  Last summer we found a snail on the back of the house and he was tickled to death. (My son was tickled… we did not tickle the snail until he died.)  We let him go, but not after we named him Simon.  My guy was so disappointed when Simon’s slimy trail was no longer to be seen.

He’s quite the character, that boy of mine.

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My Brynnie Is Turning 3.

I’m having a bit of a Mama-crisis.

My daughter (my first born, but my third child) is having her 3rd birthday 2 weeks from today and that’s a little hard for me to grasp.  It is not her getting older and smarter and stronger and wiser, because I relish every moment of this time in her life.  Every single moment I have with her is precious — every snuggle, every curl I push back from her eyes, every tiny toenail I paint, every bubble we blow, every song we play together on the piano.  I love seeing her change, but I will never forget the first time I laid eyes on her –  how that one single moment changed my entire being forever.   I hold that image of her in my heart and remember it every day as I see her running around and singing and talking to her ponies and cuddling with her siblings.

She is my big girl – my baby girl -

She is my heart.

Sidenote:  I know I talk a lot about her and that I don’t about my older kids.  Trust me – I love them more than words can say.  My main reason for keeping things low-key about them is that honestly, their situation was pretty high-profile during our adoption.  And I don’t know who’s reading this blog.  I have a lot that I can say about them, and I will.  Come back later this week as I will have a Happy 3 Years to Us post up!

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Mama’s Little Sack Of Sugar

Jiggle, jiggle, jiggle, jiggle

Tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle

Little sack of sugar

I could eat you up

Hey, hey, hey

Little sack of sugar

Ho, ho, ho

Little sack of sweet

Hee, hee, hee

My pretty little angel

So pretty, pretty, pretty

I could eat your feet

Hey, hey, hey

Little honey-bunny

Ho, ho, ho

Little turtle dove

(From Little Sack of Sugar, Elizabeth Mitchell)

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My world

I’m in the process of going through photos from the last 4 years to make albums for each of the kids.  I always thought I would scrapbook, and I’m reminded about once a year, “Oh yeah… wasn’t I gonna do albums for the kids?”  I’m bad like that.  So I’m making albums online for them instead, and even though I have a ton of photos to go through, at least I don’t have to cut them and buy all kinds of crafty do-das in order to make an album.  Anyway, going through all of these pictures makes me extremely emotional — pictures from the Big  Adoption Day, pictures from my daughter’s first (and only) ballet recital, birthdays, birth photos — all evidence that my children are growing taller, stronger, happier.  On one hand it makes me sad to see them growing out of their baby stages, knowing their hands won’t always be reaching for mine; that they won’t always need me to tie shoes and zip jackets.  But I’m happy, too – they are growing so wise, so funny.  They tie their shoes and make big decisions and leap over puddles; they tell stories and make capes out of blankets.  They ride bikes and build forts and rake leaves.  Their eyes sparkle when they make up songs and chase each other around and swing as high as they can go. They are everything that is good in childhood -  no – in life.

They are going to change the world someday — they’ve already changed mine.

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What are we doing?

Since I’ve started this blog, I’ve been doing a ton of (mainly) online research on pregnancy, natural birthing, breastfeeding, circumcision, attachment parenting and the raising up of children.  I have very strong beliefs and feelings when it comes to these things and I’ve been noticing that a lot of the blogs and articles I’ve been reading on these subjects and agreeing with have been written by people who do not necessarily believe in God, Christianity, etc, like I do.  While I have never been one of those people who feels like they can only read things written by people of like-minded  faith and damn-them-all-for-not-having-my-perspective, I do usually seek out the ones I believe will coincide with my beliefs – probably because I want to affirm my life’s choices.   During my research I have found very little written from a Christian perspective on any of these topics on which I can agree.

When I had my first child, I realized I knew nothing.  So I started to learn.  By the time I was halfway through my second pregnancy, I was convinced of several things that I knew were the best things for my baby — 1) That I had to do everything in my power for my baby to have a natural, gentle birth , 2) I would breastfeed my child as long as they wanted, 3) We would co-sleep until they were ready to move on, 4) If we were to have a boy, there is no way we would even consider circumcision (it’s cruel and unnecessary!), 5) We would do no vaccinations (at least for the first few years), 6) I would “wear” my baby in a wrap, sling, or pouch to keep them close at all times, 7) My child would know, no matter what, that they were loved, especially while being disciplined.   There are several of these things, actually all of them except the first, that we did with our first baby.  Even though I had these ideas in my head when pregnant with her, I was still letting other people’s opinions and ideas make me feel inadequate as mother, so I would waiver.  But by the second baby, I was sure that what we were doing was right, and I still am.  But I cannot find many people who agree with me on these matters while also being a Christian … and I find that really, really sad.

I don’t know why more Christian families are not taking this “attachment parenting” view as their own and embracing it.   I’m sure part of it has to do with the “gentle parenting” part of it, which I’ve seen described as the “lazy parent’s version of parenting.”  I think Christian families are so scared of their children “turning” on them by being independent and thoughtful.  The parents don’t want their views to be usurped by a child and so therefore they don’t want to give their child any control over their own lives.   I think I’m also afraid of this.  How will our children learn to do what is right if we are not constantly pushing them in the right direction?  Within a year of having our two older kids, we were given a book called “Parenting with Love & Logic” by Foster Kline and Jim Fay.  While I don’t agree with everything in the book (like I don’t agree with all of the “gentle parenting” ideas), the basic principle is what we use:  We give our children two options that we can live with, and let them decide between the two.  The parents always win, and the children win by learning to make their own choices.  In our house we have three main rules: 1) Obey Mama and Daddy, 2) Always be kind, 3) No whining.  These rules are all-encompassing and make our lives so much easier than having to say, “don’t do this, don’t do that” constantly.  The children know that if I tell them to clean their room, that falls under the “obey Mama & Daddy” rule and there’s no getting around it.  It does work.

Like I’ve said before, I’ve read a ton of articles on this stuff and so many people have talked on and on about giving their children space and letting them literally make all of their own decisions.  I’m all for my kids learning from their mistakes, but how much space is too much?  Isn’t letting them make their own choices 24/7 letting them parent themselves?   My children will be disciplined for hitting a sibling or openly defying us.  That is not to say that they are being spanked or beaten every time they tell us “no”, because that is not true discipline, but there is discipline.  I recently read this post and I do mostly agree with what the author has said, but there’s still part of me that can’t fully commit to the idea of giving my children over to a “free-range” childhood.  My children are happy, thoughtful, smart and kind children … and they are disciplined everyday.  They are shown different ways of solving their problems instead of acting out.  They are being nudged in the right directions.  They are making their own choices.  They are running and playing and discovering and climbing and reading and singing and soaking in all the joys that childhood has to offer.

Are we doing something wrong?  Isn’t what we’re doing really gentle parenting already?

Do y’all have any thoughts on the topics of child-rearing, gentle parenting, or discipline?  Leave ‘em in the comments!

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Today I’m in Love (and I Don’t Care Who Knows It)

I’m in love with:

A babe who sleepily smiles while nursing

A husband who makes me laugh

A daughter who excels in math

A son who can’t stop singing

A toddler who who’s hair gets bigger and curlier as the day goes on

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Co-sleeping

I woke up this morning, with my 2 year old daughter tucked under my right arm, and my 1 year old daughter tucked under my left arm, just like I do almost everyday.  The girls woke up simultaneously and my 2 year old climbed over me and started hugging her sister and they both began giggling and sat like that for about 10 minutes, just hugging and giggling and being sweet.

I felt blessed.  At that moment, I felt like a very content, happy mama to see her two babies sharing so much love with each other.

We started co-sleeping when our 2 year old was just hours old and haven’t looked back.  We have two older children, that did not co-sleep with us for various reasons, the main one being we adopted them, and as foster children they were never allowed to sleep in our bed with us.  (side note: we completely feel as though they would have been happier, more secure children had we been allowed to co-sleep — but we have learned to cultivate that in different ways.)  So we started when our first daughter was born and she still sleeps with us & our 1 year old.  We’ve had support from people for this decision, but there’s also been a lot of eye-rolling and “Isn’t that kid out of your bed yet??”

Before I go any further, let me just say that co-sleeping is not for everyone.  I realize that.  It’s just another one of those things that has to fit your family’s lifestyle, like home-schooling, breastfeeding, cloth-diapering, being a stay-at-home-parent, etc.   One of those things that nobody — absolutely nobody — can decide for you.   I believe that my two little girls are happier, more secure, better sleepers because we co-sleep.  Unless they’ve been sick, they both have slept through the night since about a month old.  (They would wake occasionally to nurse, but since they were sleeping right next to me, they would literally sleep while nursing.  Never any crying, having to get out of a warm bed, feed, fall asleep in a rocking chair and wake up with a crick in my neck.)  They are both amazing, well-adjusted, very loving children and I do think this is a reflection on our decision to co-sleep.  I’m definitely not saying that you’re horrible parents and your kids are evil if you don’t co-sleep.  Again, and I stress this, to each his own!  Part of my point is that parents need to make their own choices about how they raise their children and to not let people bully them into a certain way of thinking.  If you try it and don’t like it — do something else.  Don’t let people make you feel guilty with things like “Aren’t you afraid of rolling over on her/him??”  or “I really need my sleep, so I can’t co-sleep.”  Our reason for co-sleeping was based on our unwillingness to let our tiny newborn, who was completely and utterly dependent us, cry herself to sleep.  Through this decision, we came to realize that there’s a whole group of people out there of the “attachment parenting” lifestyle – when we started this journey I had no idea there was a label for this type of parenting!*

Obviously if you are planning on co-sleeping, just be safe.  Use common sense.  Make sure your baby doesn’t get overheated.  Make sure there are no spaces for baby to fall between the bed and wall.  Don’t co-sleep if you’re under the influence.  (People that need medication to sleep, that’s you!) Stuff like that.  Also, it’s been reported that co-sleeping may reduce SIDS — that would be enough to make a convert out of me!

I should point out that at almost 3, our daughter is starting to leave the “family bed” more frequently to sleep with her big sister.  Some days she wants to, some days she doesn’t.  She knows she doesn’t have to always sleep with her sister and that there’s always room in Mama & Daddy’s bed for her!

If any of you are co-sleeping, have done it, or have a desire to — leave a comment — share your story!

*Attachment parenting is considered a style that includes co-sleeping, breastfeeding and baby-wearing that promotes trust and security in a child-centered environment.  There are plenty of books out there if you’re interested in learning more of the basics, such as The Attachment Parenting Book, by Dr.  William Sears and many, many more.  I suggest going to Amazon and typing “attachment parenting” into the search box.  Over the next few months I’ll most likely have some reviews on several of the books I’ve read on this topic.

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